Sometimes people come into your life and no matter what are always there, even if you are a jerk and trample on their feelings. This bond with those rare people is something undeniable, unwavering and beyond comforting. They dont have to do anything but give a look and it is all ok. The bond is something that I am not sure could be described. Sometimes it is too overwhelming and really makes us want to turn and run, but running does nothing; we always bounce back as if we were bound by a rubberband.
What makes us so scared of something so warm and homey? Something with such passion and strong feelings? Is it fear? I just dont understand. I have thought over this time amd time again. Why the back and forth inside of me? Why is it when things really started to develop I ran as fast as I could with not a word? What makes someone feel such an urge? Its almost as if I realized that this person could melt me like a stick of butter and it was all too much considering my past. I know that sounds like a poor excuse, but its the only thing that makes it make sense.
I had a dream today that I was back with this person and it felt so real. So happy and real. I didnt even care what anyone had to say. The two of us were happy and it was all we cared about. It felt so real and so free it was nice for how ever long it lasted. I really am gonna try to figure myself out on this one. Its definately a part of my puzzle I want to put together the right way, whatever that may be.
June 22, 2011
June 19, 2011
Let the good times roll! Lol.
I am trying to figure out what I am going to do with everything in my life. I am going crazy at my house, and I dont know that I will be able to save enough money for a deposit for my own place. I am wasting so much of my own money supporting and providing for people that should be providing for themselves. Then I have a guilty concious if I dont support them. I had spoken to a family member awhile back about possibly satying with them for a few months until I saved up enough money for a deposit, and now they informed me that they are fighting to keep their home from foreclosure. I just want a stable place fory daughter and it makes me sick that I feel like I cant. I was always going to do better for my kids than my mom did for me and now even a place to live is a struggle.
I really hope accepting this new position is going to be as beneficial as Im hoping and assuming it will be.
Life is a struggle right now, but I know I can do it. Just gotta keep fighting I suppose. Hope everyone has a good week!
I am trying to figure out what I am going to do with everything in my life. I am going crazy at my house, and I dont know that I will be able to save enough money for a deposit for my own place. I am wasting so much of my own money supporting and providing for people that should be providing for themselves. Then I have a guilty concious if I dont support them. I had spoken to a family member awhile back about possibly satying with them for a few months until I saved up enough money for a deposit, and now they informed me that they are fighting to keep their home from foreclosure. I just want a stable place fory daughter and it makes me sick that I feel like I cant. I was always going to do better for my kids than my mom did for me and now even a place to live is a struggle.
I really hope accepting this new position is going to be as beneficial as Im hoping and assuming it will be.
Life is a struggle right now, but I know I can do it. Just gotta keep fighting I suppose. Hope everyone has a good week!
June 15, 2011
Moving into an apartment of my own is something I want so bad right now that it has begun to be all I can think about. I am having a hard time being nice about everything with my mom and her boyfriend. Neither of them have jobs and they both continuously complain about how much food I "dont" buy or what kind etc etc etc. I do what I can with what I have and it is never good enough. I dont feel it is my responsibilty to support either of these grown adults but I am trying to help.
I have to keep Kyleigh as my main priority and that is a concept neither of them seem to understand. He has no children and she never put hers before herself or any man she was ever with. So having a child's welfare put before tgeir own is apparently beyond comprehension for them. My goal is to have enough saved for a deposit on a place by the time our lease is up. If I cant get that accomplished I might move to my grandma's until I get my tax return then use that money to move. I cant wait to get my VERY OWN place :)! I am so dang excited for that.
I have to keep Kyleigh as my main priority and that is a concept neither of them seem to understand. He has no children and she never put hers before herself or any man she was ever with. So having a child's welfare put before tgeir own is apparently beyond comprehension for them. My goal is to have enough saved for a deposit on a place by the time our lease is up. If I cant get that accomplished I might move to my grandma's until I get my tax return then use that money to move. I cant wait to get my VERY OWN place :)! I am so dang excited for that.
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