I have been battling an anxiety attack almost all day long. I am not sure what is causing it or how to stop it. My chest is tight and thoughts are racing. I don't want to sit in one place for too long (which was ultra fun while trying to take a final) and I just can't seem to focus. I don't want to be home, and I don't really have another place I want to be either. I actually thought about driving to the beach tonight by myself. There isn't much I could do alone at the beach in the dark, but the thought of the waves is about the only thing that is relaxing at the moment. 

This is Nancy trying to run from things. 

I am trying to run from my feelings, my thoughts, my situation. 

I am fighting these urges. I want to face my fears.. I want to breathe and not have my chest feel like there is an elephant sitting on it. I don't want to feel guilt all the time. I don't want to judge myself. I want to be free from all of this. 

I don't have a counseling appointment scheduled yet for this week, but hopefully my counselor will call me tomorrow and we can get something scheduled. Once my health insurance is good on July 1st I think I am going to go in and talk to a doctor about getting on some antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication because I feel like I am getting worse. I  can't control my anxiety and depression as well as I could before and I feel more isolated than before too. 

I feel like I am so fucked up. I never used to feel this way about things, but it doesn't get easier or better. I used to tell myself "it will get better, it has to. It always does." So far this is not the case. It is getting worse and I am falling farther into this pit. I hate being alone and I hate that I am not strong enough to be  any where. Nothing feels ok anymore. 

As crappy as my emotions have been I do have one positive thing to note. I feel like I am actively trying to make a change in my life. I really feel like I am trying to get better at feeling my feelings and not supressing them and I also feel like I am trying to recognize destructive or unhealthy patterns and break those cycles. I jever could have or would have imagined that all of this would be happening insode of me. I always felt like I had everything figured out. I never really did. It all fell to shit somewhere along the line.

Who knew trying to feel feelings would make me so uncomfortable? I literally feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It makes me cringe, having a wall up for 23 years is a hard habit to break. I hope I can figure this out and not drown in my emotions before then.