What do you do when you want to talk, but to reach out feels selfish? I don't have the answer to that so I am going to just blog instead and hope it makes me feel better. 

I am here dangling from the edge of this cliff and no one even knows. They are all walking on the sidewalk right beside me, and I could call out to them but to be honest I am not sure I want to. Letting go of the ledge would free me of so much pain. But letting go would mean causing more pain for the ones I love, so to let go makes me feel selfish too. So, I guess for now I will hang here and suffer in silence; eventually something has got to give.

I wish that I could let go of control enough to just have a freak out. Cry, scream, maybe break something. For some reason I just can't do it. 

I think I need help. Something more than the counseling, because I ??? I guess I just do. 

I'll be ok, I just needed to vent.

Susan! Thats my best friend!

Just a quick little post.

Im watching Monsters vs. Aliens and one of the main characters is named Susan. Kyleigh looks over at me and says "Susan, that's my best friend!" How cute!!

It blows me away that she can now retain information from movies, books and events. She is just growing so fast. How lucky am I that I get to be apart of this little girl's life? :)

Dreams... Past or future?

Sometimes people come into your life and no matter what are always there, even if you are a jerk and trample on their feelings. This bond with those rare people is something undeniable, unwavering and beyond comforting. They dont have to do anything but give a look and it is all ok. The bond is something that I am not sure could be described. Sometimes it is too overwhelming and really makes us want to turn and run, but running does nothing; we always bounce back as if we were bound by a rubberband.

What makes us so scared of something so warm and homey? Something with such passion and strong feelings? Is it fear? I just dont understand. I have thought over this time amd time again. Why the back and forth inside of me? Why is it when things really started to develop I ran as fast as I could with not a word? What makes someone feel such an urge? Its almost as if I realized that this person could melt me like a stick of butter and it was all too much considering my past. I know that sounds like a poor excuse, but its the only thing that makes it make sense.

I had a dream today that I was back with this person and it felt so real. So happy and real. I didnt even care what anyone had to say. The two of us were happy and it was all we cared about. It felt so real and so free it was nice for how ever long it lasted. I really am gonna try to figure myself out on this one. Its definately a part of my puzzle I want to put together the right way, whatever that may be.

Let the good times roll! Lol.

I am trying to figure out what I am going to do with everything in my life. I am going crazy at my house, and I dont know that I will be able to save enough money for a deposit for my own place. I am wasting so much of my own money supporting and providing for people that should be providing for themselves. Then I have a guilty concious if I dont support them. I had spoken to a family member awhile back about possibly satying with them for a few months until I saved up enough money for a deposit, and now they informed me that they are fighting to keep their home from foreclosure. I just want a stable place fory daughter and it makes me sick that I feel like I cant. I was always going to do better for my kids than my mom did for me and now even a place to live is a struggle.

I really hope accepting this new position is going to be as beneficial as Im hoping and assuming it will be.

Life is a struggle right now, but I know I can do it. Just gotta keep fighting I suppose. Hope everyone has a good week!