Swirling around in my mind.

I am sitting here at my desk at work. If that is what you want to even call it, I only come in two days a week and field the random questions that people may or may not call with. I try to make a point of being extra nice to the potential guests that call because more often than not the customer service within the building is lacking. We recently changed management in one of our departments so it is on the way to improving, but this is only one of our many departments that is getting better.

I just got back from my weekly counseling session. I enjoy going in and talking and not feeling judged. I talk way more freely with my counselor than with most others because I know that the information I am throwing out has to be caught and put away, not thrown to someone else. But even knowing that there is confidentiality I still am a little guarded going in. There is a wall that I have up with pretty much everyone, and I am working on learning how to open the gate, and more importantly, when it is ok to do so. It seems more often than not, when I open up to someone it blows up in my face. I think that it is only fair to attribute some of that to pure bad judgement. I think that I sometimes open up to the wrong people. I say sometimes because there are times when people who shouldn't use my feelings against me, thus reinforcing my resistance to sharing.

This appointment was a good one. I went in and didn't hold back. I just put what I wanted to discuss this week out there and I felt so much better walking out then I did going in. I also realized that I am a controller. I think that sometimes (subconsciously) I make choices based on reactions I think/know I am going to get from people because it puts the ball in my court on a consistent basis. If the ball is in my court I have control over who I am going to throw it to (if at all) and when it will be shot towards the hoop. This often times is at the expense of others to save my own feelings. Instead of feeling vulnerable I will hurt someone to hide in my shell with my ball. This is definitely something that I hope to change or recognize when I am doing it so that I can try to work on it. I don't realize I do it until looking back.

On to something less heavy to hold.

Christmas is only 7 days away! Can you even believe it?? I feel like this year has flown by!

I have made lots of progress towards a career goal, so that is very encouraging for me. (I am going to try my hardest to focus on the positive things in life from now on- wish me luck!) I have made progress in my emotional life as far as beginning to open up to others and feel better about it. (I actually spoke to my Mom about some of what I have been feeling for the first time ever in my life, and it went well!!) I went out of my comfort zone and went to a night club with one of my oldest friends and had a blast!! Things are good. I have to focus on the good, and deal with the rest as it comes. I can't spend all this time worrying about it and trying to control everything so it doesn't fall apart. I like in the Katy Perry song Firework where she says "Maybe the reason why All the doors are closed So you could open one That leads you to the perfect.." (room/road? LOL) I think that is the way I need to start looking at things again. It all happens for a reason and I want to try and see the positive in it all. I used to be so good at that, and I will be again.

I think this is all for now. I should probably try to find something productive to do here! :o) Thanks for reading, I hope it all wasn't too random to follow!

My first iPhone post!

I usually post from my computer, but it is not within reach right now and I don't want to leave the comfort of my blankets to get it, so tonight the iPhone is going to do all the talking for me!

I went Christmas shopping with my daughter's dad tonight and it actually went ok. We are finally at this place where we can talk, sometimes joke even, and get things done. We went to a couple places and grabbed some alright stuff for K. We both feel like she is at this in between age where the toys recommended for her age are too baby-like and the ones for just above her age are too old for her. Maybe it is just us. Maybe we are fighting seeing that she is growing up and we have to allow her to. I cant believe that she is going to be 2 in less than 6 months! How scary! She is my baby and I wish I could make her stop growing!! Tonight she was laying on my shoulder and said, "I yuh baby." I almost cried. I said, "Yes, you are my baby and I love you!" she then told me she loved me too and cuddled me some more. How much more perfect could that very moment have been?? I dont think it could have. Amazing.

I am so tired. Usually I take naps with K but it takes up way too much time in my day to do that daily. I have mastered getting her to fall asleep without me doing so also. I think I am going to go to sleep now! Have a good day!

So much deeper than I thought.

Today while I was cleaning the house for the millionth time (I'm sure many of you can relate) something popped into my head. I think that I may have heard it before. Pretty sure I have, actually. "You live and you learn. Once you stop learning you might as well stop breathing." If that is already a quote, I don't know who to give the credit to, so forgive me. :)

 I feel like I have to remind myself constantly of the fact that everyone is living and learning (hopefully learning, that is). I think that making mistakes, and learning from them, is a critical part of growing up and maturing. Having said that I don't allow myself the same courtesy. I feel like as a mother I should just have it all together. The fact that my Mother most certainly did not "have it all together" makes the pressure that much more of a burden. I love my Mom now, she is clean and more of a mother to me now than ever before in my 23 years of life. But this wasn't always the case and now I am trying to deal with the scars that remain. I never want my daughter to have to feel like she is anything other than a blessing in my life. So many times before when I was young I felt like I was a mistake or an unnecessary burden, and unfortunately there were times when those feelings were confirmed to me. As I grew those feelings became more and more prevalent, the more I was moved around and handed off to other family members the worse I felt. I spent my childhood being more mature than most of the adults in it. Caring for my younger sister and trying to keep the peace between my parents. I always have known that those experiences helped to shape me to be who I am. Oddly enough I was always thankful to have gone through all of the rough stuff I had, because I liked me. That is until recently. It is like I have hit this brick-wall that will not allow me to go further until I turn around and face the things I have spent so much energy running from and pushing down. The things I was once ok with I am now finding are hindering me. Can you imagine? I feel like a wounded animal who keeps licking their wound trying to find relief, and by doing so I am just making it worse. My "issues" are the chains that bind me, and I can't seem to find a key to the lock. I am sure that just dealing with these things will help to unlock lots of the chains, but I feel like this is just not the time for all of this to be happening. I have my little girl to worry about now. I need to be strong for her. But the more that I fight to be strong the weaker I feel. 

And now I feel like this is too much for a blog. Thank you for reading this far. I guess I am just trying to learn what life is trying to teach me. Maybe I need a tutor? 

A quick one until later

I haven't posted in a few days, and I thought maybe I should get on it! Today was a fairly long day filled with house cleaning and laundry...you know, the fun stuff. I felt like a crack head running around vacuuming any speck of anything. I guess you could say I needed an outlet.

Christmas is fast approaching and I still have to BEGIN my shopping.. I have gotten a few things here and there as far as stocking stuffers, but nothing major. I don't even know where to start. I will be working on a very limited budget, so I think I am going to have to be pretty creative. I may do cookies for some people and beyond that I am not sure. If I had the time- or energy for that matter, I would do cute little scrapbooks for the Grandmas in my life, but time is short... Maybe just some framed Kyleigh pictures will do the trick? Everyone is always telling me they need new ones.

As I write this blog, my child (who should be sleeping) is pointing to various parts of my laptop saying "Uts dis?" Haha she is definitely in the curious stage. She wants to know what everything is, and once you tell her she will go around in hunt for "OH! Mooorre!" I love teaching her things and showing her new parts of the world. Her new favorite are all of the Missmiss (Christmas) lights. As I do my usual running around I try to go ultra slow next to all of the lit up houses to let her ohh and ahh at them. She just can't get enough!

Well speaking of having enough, it is far past bed time so I need to wrangle up this crazy girl and put her in bed! Hope everyone is doing well!

P.S. I am proud to say that I am still going strong with my anti-facebook challenge!! Yay!