I love puzzles.

I was just reading something I wrote in a journal a couple weeks ago, and this really struck me:

"My family and friends are so amazing and I am so thankful for them. I love them. I need them and I love that they are there. I don't even have to ask, they just are. How awesome that I have the blessing of that? Some people don't know that love that I know. Some people will never know that love. I am lucky."

Even just reading it brings up the same emotions that caused me to write it, and makes me happy and thankful. I truly am blessed with a family that sticks together through thick and thin, and sometimes I forget that. We all have all kinds of crazy things going on and we all manage to reach out and lend a hand when we see someone we love struggling. I think that is really an amazing thing to have. I recognize that not many people have supportive family, or family at all for that matter, and I love that I have mine. 

Every person in my life has a piece of my puzzle. Be it a small one or a large one, they are all necessary to complete the picture. I am so thankful for each person who holds a piece to my puzzle; everyone of them has taught me something, inspired me, or just made me smile. Some know this, and some don't- either way it is special. I look forward to expanding my picture as more people are given puzzle pieces. Life is and will continue to be an interesting, sometimes difficult, but always beautiful puzzle. 

Taking back the wheel.

I have really started to feel like my strong, independent, old-self lately. I feel like I can face the world and still be standing when I am done. I have started drawing clear boundaries in my life and I really am so proud of myself for it. I like that I feel strong enough again to be able to say "I want ..." or "I need ..." and I won't deal with anything less than what I am asking for. I am not going to allow myself to be pushed around by others anymore, and I have actually already started to put that into action rather than just saying it. I am so glad. I am doing what I want with my life regardless of what others have to say about it. I am no longer allowing people to impose their guilt or opinions onto me.

This is MY life.

 I am the one who has to deal with the repercussions of my choices, so why not make my decisions based on what I desire rather than what others think is best? Can you even begin to understand how liberating that feels to say?? I am going to do what I want! Not out of anger, or sadness, or guilt, but out of pure desire and happiness! Amazing.

So much deeper than I thought.

Today while I was cleaning the house for the millionth time (I'm sure many of you can relate) something popped into my head. I think that I may have heard it before. Pretty sure I have, actually. "You live and you learn. Once you stop learning you might as well stop breathing." If that is already a quote, I don't know who to give the credit to, so forgive me. :)

 I feel like I have to remind myself constantly of the fact that everyone is living and learning (hopefully learning, that is). I think that making mistakes, and learning from them, is a critical part of growing up and maturing. Having said that I don't allow myself the same courtesy. I feel like as a mother I should just have it all together. The fact that my Mother most certainly did not "have it all together" makes the pressure that much more of a burden. I love my Mom now, she is clean and more of a mother to me now than ever before in my 23 years of life. But this wasn't always the case and now I am trying to deal with the scars that remain. I never want my daughter to have to feel like she is anything other than a blessing in my life. So many times before when I was young I felt like I was a mistake or an unnecessary burden, and unfortunately there were times when those feelings were confirmed to me. As I grew those feelings became more and more prevalent, the more I was moved around and handed off to other family members the worse I felt. I spent my childhood being more mature than most of the adults in it. Caring for my younger sister and trying to keep the peace between my parents. I always have known that those experiences helped to shape me to be who I am. Oddly enough I was always thankful to have gone through all of the rough stuff I had, because I liked me. That is until recently. It is like I have hit this brick-wall that will not allow me to go further until I turn around and face the things I have spent so much energy running from and pushing down. The things I was once ok with I am now finding are hindering me. Can you imagine? I feel like a wounded animal who keeps licking their wound trying to find relief, and by doing so I am just making it worse. My "issues" are the chains that bind me, and I can't seem to find a key to the lock. I am sure that just dealing with these things will help to unlock lots of the chains, but I feel like this is just not the time for all of this to be happening. I have my little girl to worry about now. I need to be strong for her. But the more that I fight to be strong the weaker I feel. 

And now I feel like this is too much for a blog. Thank you for reading this far. I guess I am just trying to learn what life is trying to teach me. Maybe I need a tutor?