Today while I was cleaning the house for the millionth time (I'm sure many of you can relate) something popped into my head. I think that I may have heard it before. Pretty sure I have, actually. "You live and you learn. Once you stop learning you might as well stop breathing." If that is already a quote, I don't know who to give the credit to, so forgive me. :)
I feel like I have to remind myself constantly of the fact that everyone is living and learning (hopefully learning, that is). I think that making mistakes, and learning from them, is a critical part of growing up and maturing. Having said that I don't allow myself the same courtesy. I feel like as a mother I should just have it all together. The fact that my Mother most certainly did not "have it all together" makes the pressure that much more of a burden. I love my Mom now, she is clean and more of a mother to me now than ever before in my 23 years of life. But this wasn't always the case and now I am trying to deal with the scars that remain. I never want my daughter to have to feel like she is anything other than a blessing in my life. So many times before when I was young I felt like I was a mistake or an unnecessary burden, and unfortunately there were times when those feelings were confirmed to me. As I grew those feelings became more and more prevalent, the more I was moved around and handed off to other family members the worse I felt. I spent my childhood being more mature than most of the adults in it. Caring for my younger sister and trying to keep the peace between my parents. I always have known that those experiences helped to shape me to be who I am. Oddly enough I was always thankful to have gone through all of the rough stuff I had, because I liked me. That is until recently. It is like I have hit this brick-wall that will not allow me to go further until I turn around and face the things I have spent so much energy running from and pushing down. The things I was once ok with I am now finding are hindering me. Can you imagine? I feel like a wounded animal who keeps licking their wound trying to find relief, and by doing so I am just making it worse. My "issues" are the chains that bind me, and I can't seem to find a key to the lock. I am sure that just dealing with these things will help to unlock lots of the chains, but I feel like this is just not the time for all of this to be happening. I have my little girl to worry about now. I need to be strong for her. But the more that I fight to be strong the weaker I feel.
And now I feel like this is too much for a blog. Thank you for reading this far. I guess I am just trying to learn what life is trying to teach me. Maybe I need a tutor?