Tut

My counselor was telling me about this website today called Tut and so I thought I'd check it out. From what I see I like it. It seems like an uplifting and positive spin off of Facebook. The above image is your default picture if you don't upload one. I love it. All I could say when I read it was Wow! I think that it is so true!

How do you heal a broken heart?

I think that having your heart broken is one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. It hurts. You feel guilt over things you could have, should have, would have done or said.

Did I do everything possible? Did I say the right things? Wasn't I good enough? Did I try hard enough?

I have been struggling with a broken heart for a long time and only realized the extent of that yesterday in my counseling appointment. Not only did I realize that, but I realized I have carried all of the blame and guilt, even if it wasn't all mine to have.

I tried for a very long time to make things work, I tried when he wasn't. I cried and yelled and calmly discussed and explained and settled. None of this was good enough to make a difference. I raised my daughter alone for at least the first six months of her life while watching him party and do what he wanted, with the hopes he would wake up one day and realize how badly he was hurting me. He didn't. Settling is just not something that I am capable of. I will ALWAYS strive to be better and be as happy as humanly possible. While I do understand that there are going to be hard times in life, I don't feel that those hard times should be so frequent that you can't even enjoy the good stuff life has to offer. I have bounced back and forth, chased my tail and wallowed for far too long, all because of guilt. NO MORE. I am taking a stand today and forever. I am no longer going to carry the guilt that is not mine. I am no longer going to consider settling to even be an option. I tried my hardest to make everything work and while I am not perfect by any means I am not fully to blame. I can work through my guilt, I will work through my guilt, but I will not hold any that is not my own. I will not allow others to bring me down to feel better about the choices that they have made. They have to deal with those on their own.

I tried to move on. It's way too soon for that. Now there is another heart tied up in this mess that already existed. The pressure of another heart is all too much to carry. The pressure of the my own heart is too heavy to carry, let alone adding more weight. If I could go back with the knowledge that it was way too soon, I never would have brought them into it. I would have stayed strictly friends and promised nothing more than that. All I can do now is be a friend and offer nothing more or less. This guy is a great guy. He has been there for me when not many people were. He has gone through hell to be there for me, and that is beyond what I could ever ask for. However I can't even allow him to get too close emotionally because I am so scared to be hurt again. I haven't healed from before, as much as I try to say that I have.

Only time will heal the way I feel and if not, then only time will make it not so raw.

Swirling around in my mind.

I am sitting here at my desk at work. If that is what you want to even call it, I only come in two days a week and field the random questions that people may or may not call with. I try to make a point of being extra nice to the potential guests that call because more often than not the customer service within the building is lacking. We recently changed management in one of our departments so it is on the way to improving, but this is only one of our many departments that is getting better.

I just got back from my weekly counseling session. I enjoy going in and talking and not feeling judged. I talk way more freely with my counselor than with most others because I know that the information I am throwing out has to be caught and put away, not thrown to someone else. But even knowing that there is confidentiality I still am a little guarded going in. There is a wall that I have up with pretty much everyone, and I am working on learning how to open the gate, and more importantly, when it is ok to do so. It seems more often than not, when I open up to someone it blows up in my face. I think that it is only fair to attribute some of that to pure bad judgement. I think that I sometimes open up to the wrong people. I say sometimes because there are times when people who shouldn't use my feelings against me, thus reinforcing my resistance to sharing.

This appointment was a good one. I went in and didn't hold back. I just put what I wanted to discuss this week out there and I felt so much better walking out then I did going in. I also realized that I am a controller. I think that sometimes (subconsciously) I make choices based on reactions I think/know I am going to get from people because it puts the ball in my court on a consistent basis. If the ball is in my court I have control over who I am going to throw it to (if at all) and when it will be shot towards the hoop. This often times is at the expense of others to save my own feelings. Instead of feeling vulnerable I will hurt someone to hide in my shell with my ball. This is definitely something that I hope to change or recognize when I am doing it so that I can try to work on it. I don't realize I do it until looking back.

On to something less heavy to hold.

Christmas is only 7 days away! Can you even believe it?? I feel like this year has flown by!

I have made lots of progress towards a career goal, so that is very encouraging for me. (I am going to try my hardest to focus on the positive things in life from now on- wish me luck!) I have made progress in my emotional life as far as beginning to open up to others and feel better about it. (I actually spoke to my Mom about some of what I have been feeling for the first time ever in my life, and it went well!!) I went out of my comfort zone and went to a night club with one of my oldest friends and had a blast!! Things are good. I have to focus on the good, and deal with the rest as it comes. I can't spend all this time worrying about it and trying to control everything so it doesn't fall apart. I like in the Katy Perry song Firework where she says "Maybe the reason why All the doors are closed So you could open one That leads you to the perfect.." (room/road? LOL) I think that is the way I need to start looking at things again. It all happens for a reason and I want to try and see the positive in it all. I used to be so good at that, and I will be again.

I think this is all for now. I should probably try to find something productive to do here! :o) Thanks for reading, I hope it all wasn't too random to follow!