It has been so long since I posted on here last. I don't even know when the last post was?

I started my new position at work, and for a little while there I wasn't sure about it. I didn't know everything I was supposed to do and the crew really felt like they were rejecting me. But, I didn't let it get to me, and I did what I knew how to do- I worked. One thing about me is I know how to be a leader and I know how to work hard. I fell back on that and hoped they would follow along, and they did. I feel so much more confident now than I had been. The end of our season is upon us and it is going to be an interesting off season to say the least. I think that we have a really good team built now, and hopefully it will just get better from here.

I am going to be moving back in with my cousin next month with a goal of my own apartment in February. My oldest friend Danielle wants to move in with me, which would be great. I really hope that this doesn't fall through. I am going to try and move forward as though I am moving out on my own, and if it all stays good and we move together it will be an added bonus. I am very excited to be out on my own in less than 6 months. I think it has been a long time coming and it will serve as a much needed morale boost for me.

I have really been working hard, and I feel like I don't get to see my baby as much as I'd like to. Last week I worked so many closing shifts that her dad had her for like 6 nights straight. I saw her during the day and napped with her and stuff but its not the same. I know that work is a necessary evil, but I really wish that she didn't have to suffer for it. I know she loves her Daddy and doesn't mind spending the time with her and he feels likewise about her, but Mommy sure does miss her girl. When I pick her up in the morning the first thing I do is squeeze her and kiss her and it is the best thing ever. She is such a great motivator, and I am so thankful to have her in my life. She is so amazing to me.

We have been potty training her and it is going pretty well so far. There are accidents here and there but thats normal. The other morning we were all snuggled up on the recliner and she peed on my lap :( but she tries very hard to not have accidents and I love that I haven't had to change a poopy diaper in SO long!!

Well it is time to go back to class! I hope everyone has a great day!

My sister is in town this week. It is nice to see her, but my excitment turned to frustration pretty quickly. She keeps pointing out how I am "so tense" and "seem depressed" and then proceeds to act like I hate her and treat her like crap. This only adds to my already over flowing plate of shit. I am so sick of people placing me and my life under a magnifying glass and doing nothing but further burning me. I am so fed up. I wish that I could just have a couple of days where I can be me and feel how I feel (good or bad) without random comments. People, I hope, mean well when they do that but it only makes me feel worse.

I have been battling an anxiety attack almost all day long. I am not sure what is causing it or how to stop it. My chest is tight and thoughts are racing. I don't want to sit in one place for too long (which was ultra fun while trying to take a final) and I just can't seem to focus. I don't want to be home, and I don't really have another place I want to be either. I actually thought about driving to the beach tonight by myself. There isn't much I could do alone at the beach in the dark, but the thought of the waves is about the only thing that is relaxing at the moment. 

This is Nancy trying to run from things. 

I am trying to run from my feelings, my thoughts, my situation. 

I am fighting these urges. I want to face my fears.. I want to breathe and not have my chest feel like there is an elephant sitting on it. I don't want to feel guilt all the time. I don't want to judge myself. I want to be free from all of this. 

I don't have a counseling appointment scheduled yet for this week, but hopefully my counselor will call me tomorrow and we can get something scheduled. Once my health insurance is good on July 1st I think I am going to go in and talk to a doctor about getting on some antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication because I feel like I am getting worse. I  can't control my anxiety and depression as well as I could before and I feel more isolated than before too. 

I feel like I am so fucked up. I never used to feel this way about things, but it doesn't get easier or better. I used to tell myself "it will get better, it has to. It always does." So far this is not the case. It is getting worse and I am falling farther into this pit. I hate being alone and I hate that I am not strong enough to be  any where. Nothing feels ok anymore.