Hormones... God awful hormones. The past year and a half has been the first time in a long time since I was off of some sort of birth control and it is hell. My emotions are on an uncontrolable roller coaster ride. I was doing research and I seriously am concerned that I may have PMDD, it is a severe form of PMS. On ths Mayo Clinic website it said if you had 2 of the symptoms of the around 12 that they listed you may have it.. I had all except one. I dont know what to do with myself, this cycle is eating away at me. I get SO low about the week or two before my period and it feels like once I start to feel totally better it is already the week or two when I start feeling low again. Chasing my tail.

Tonight was the first time in 7 years I actually felt like a loser for working where I do. A girl from HS came in and she seemed to be doing very well, and looked down her nose at me. Wow. I felt, and still feel a bit down because of that (and guess what time of the month is closing in?). I hate that I work so hard and I still struggle so much. I hate lots of things right now, and for the most part the only thing that picks me up is my baby girl. She is the best remedy to anything. Hopefully when I pick her up tomorrow it helps me feel better.

It has been so long since I posted on here last. I don't even know when the last post was?

I started my new position at work, and for a little while there I wasn't sure about it. I didn't know everything I was supposed to do and the crew really felt like they were rejecting me. But, I didn't let it get to me, and I did what I knew how to do- I worked. One thing about me is I know how to be a leader and I know how to work hard. I fell back on that and hoped they would follow along, and they did. I feel so much more confident now than I had been. The end of our season is upon us and it is going to be an interesting off season to say the least. I think that we have a really good team built now, and hopefully it will just get better from here.

I am going to be moving back in with my cousin next month with a goal of my own apartment in February. My oldest friend Danielle wants to move in with me, which would be great. I really hope that this doesn't fall through. I am going to try and move forward as though I am moving out on my own, and if it all stays good and we move together it will be an added bonus. I am very excited to be out on my own in less than 6 months. I think it has been a long time coming and it will serve as a much needed morale boost for me.

I have really been working hard, and I feel like I don't get to see my baby as much as I'd like to. Last week I worked so many closing shifts that her dad had her for like 6 nights straight. I saw her during the day and napped with her and stuff but its not the same. I know that work is a necessary evil, but I really wish that she didn't have to suffer for it. I know she loves her Daddy and doesn't mind spending the time with her and he feels likewise about her, but Mommy sure does miss her girl. When I pick her up in the morning the first thing I do is squeeze her and kiss her and it is the best thing ever. She is such a great motivator, and I am so thankful to have her in my life. She is so amazing to me.

We have been potty training her and it is going pretty well so far. There are accidents here and there but thats normal. The other morning we were all snuggled up on the recliner and she peed on my lap :( but she tries very hard to not have accidents and I love that I haven't had to change a poopy diaper in SO long!!

Well it is time to go back to class! I hope everyone has a great day!

My sister is in town this week. It is nice to see her, but my excitment turned to frustration pretty quickly. She keeps pointing out how I am "so tense" and "seem depressed" and then proceeds to act like I hate her and treat her like crap. This only adds to my already over flowing plate of shit. I am so sick of people placing me and my life under a magnifying glass and doing nothing but further burning me. I am so fed up. I wish that I could just have a couple of days where I can be me and feel how I feel (good or bad) without random comments. People, I hope, mean well when they do that but it only makes me feel worse.