I feel like it has been forever. I finally am really feeling better. Things have color again, they are getting more and more possible everyday. I feel like I can do it all, but the key is going to be not overloading myself. I tend to do that when I feel like I can do it all. I load up the responsibilities and then get crazy busy and burn out. I am not going to do that.

I feel like I need to get some of my creativity out. I am not sure how, but I will figure that out. I want to paint, or make something.. I am not sure. I used to write poems and doodle and all kinds of stuff, and I just kind of stopped somewhere along the line. I am going to try and re-capture that side of myself. I want to start really surrounding myself with positive people, people who make me happy and make me want to be better. I have been talking to a couple of my friends about getting a place soon. I want to wait until I graduate with my AAS is October, so that I can get started in a good job. I am looking forward to going and doing my taxes this Wednesday, the refund will hopefully be pretty good so that I can get some bills paid off and lessen my financial burdens. How exciting does that sound?! It sounds pretty dang amazing to me! :)

School so far is going good this quarter. I enjoy my classes and for the most part feel like I am learning new stuff. I took Anatomy in high school that felt much more in depth than the class I am currently taking so this is kind of a refresher for me (thank goodness). In my career development class we have been doing a practice job search and it is really getting me excited to get out there and find a great job! After completion of this class I will have a GREAT resume and cover letter, and hopefully a new found confidence in an interview setting.

Gosh!! I just feel so good right now. I am so happy to feel happy again!

I realized when I set out to write this today that I told my counselor that I have not been writing as of late, and that is not entirely accurate. This blog is a journal of sorts, wouldn't you say? Maybe I am not hand writing it but I am still getting all the buzz off of my brain. Letting the thoughts (however random they may sometimes be) flow from my brain and be the pollution of a paper, or in this case a blog, is a huge relief for me.

Last night I went and hung out at my cousin's house. Kyleigh and Cameron (my cousin's son) played and us Mommy's got to hang out and talk. It was probably one of the best nights I have had in a while. It was relaxing and for the most part the kids behaved really well and we all had fun. It was just us and the kiddos! We danced, sang and threw a ball back and forth and I wrestled with a 3 year old. (To my credit he was doing the wrestling as I was throwing him on the couch lol) It was so fun! Family sometimes is the best cure to anything.

I want to leave on this note for myself to look back on when I need some uhmpf:

Nancy,
Even if things are hard, they ALWAYS get better. Everything ALWAYS falls into place, maybe not how you planned it, but it is always the way it is supposed to. Let go of the plans a little and allow life to flow as it will. Enjoy the little things and take deep breaths. Smile even when you don't feel like it, that usually slips you into some degree of happiness. Look at your daughter and kiss her and tickle her and let the music of her laughs take you somewhere happy. Be thankful for what you have. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Dance. Just be patient with life. Work hard and know that it is good enough. You are a strong, adaptable woman who deserves great things. Let yourself have them.

I think that is enough for today! :) I hope everyone is feeling happy. If not, I hope my words help even if it's just a little bit. Until next time!

MY BROTHER IS IN TOWN!!

It has been planned for a bit that my brother would come out to visit from Reno with his family. Yesterday he found out that he wouldn't be getting his tax return until the 11th, so they couldn't come. My mom and I were so bummed. I went to school last night and a couple hours in got a text from my brother saying that he was on his way to Sacramento! Turns out my step dad went straight from work to Reno and picked them all up! What a great surprise! I was so excited I wanted to run out of the classroom! Luckily I contained myself and was able to take notes :)!

I was so excited to see all of them, I haven't seen them since June when my niece Grace was born. Boy has she grown! This little baby weighs about 24lbs (which is right up there with how much K weighs!) and she is probably one of the happiest babies I've seen. Little bouncing bundle of joy! Tonight we will be having an early birthday party for my older niece who is turning 5. She is so excited to come to my work and play games and Lazer Tag!

School this quarter is going to be pretty crazy! I have 4 classes: Anatomy & Physiology, Medical Office Management, English (Composition and Research) and Professional Career Development. This should be an interesting 3 months! I know I can do it all, I just have to stay focused and ahead of the game. 3 of my 4 classes have workbooks which should allow me to get stuff done a little ahead if I put my mind (and time) to it.

I have been really struggling trying to figure out how to deal with my newly realized guilt issue. I have a hard time not being mad at him constantly. Being mad won't solve anything. I have to be civil for the sake of my daughter. If mommy and daddy are fighting all the time it really has a negative impact on her. I am going to talk about it further today at my appointment. Hopefully he will have some helpful tips for me. I am proud of myself though, because I was able to calmly explain to him what I am going through, and although I didn't get the response I wanted I feel good knowing I communicated.

Thank you for reading and have a good week! 

How do you heal a broken heart?

I think that having your heart broken is one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. It hurts. You feel guilt over things you could have, should have, would have done or said.

Did I do everything possible? Did I say the right things? Wasn't I good enough? Did I try hard enough?

I have been struggling with a broken heart for a long time and only realized the extent of that yesterday in my counseling appointment. Not only did I realize that, but I realized I have carried all of the blame and guilt, even if it wasn't all mine to have.

I tried for a very long time to make things work, I tried when he wasn't. I cried and yelled and calmly discussed and explained and settled. None of this was good enough to make a difference. I raised my daughter alone for at least the first six months of her life while watching him party and do what he wanted, with the hopes he would wake up one day and realize how badly he was hurting me. He didn't. Settling is just not something that I am capable of. I will ALWAYS strive to be better and be as happy as humanly possible. While I do understand that there are going to be hard times in life, I don't feel that those hard times should be so frequent that you can't even enjoy the good stuff life has to offer. I have bounced back and forth, chased my tail and wallowed for far too long, all because of guilt. NO MORE. I am taking a stand today and forever. I am no longer going to carry the guilt that is not mine. I am no longer going to consider settling to even be an option. I tried my hardest to make everything work and while I am not perfect by any means I am not fully to blame. I can work through my guilt, I will work through my guilt, but I will not hold any that is not my own. I will not allow others to bring me down to feel better about the choices that they have made. They have to deal with those on their own.

I tried to move on. It's way too soon for that. Now there is another heart tied up in this mess that already existed. The pressure of another heart is all too much to carry. The pressure of the my own heart is too heavy to carry, let alone adding more weight. If I could go back with the knowledge that it was way too soon, I never would have brought them into it. I would have stayed strictly friends and promised nothing more than that. All I can do now is be a friend and offer nothing more or less. This guy is a great guy. He has been there for me when not many people were. He has gone through hell to be there for me, and that is beyond what I could ever ask for. However I can't even allow him to get too close emotionally because I am so scared to be hurt again. I haven't healed from before, as much as I try to say that I have.

Only time will heal the way I feel and if not, then only time will make it not so raw.