MY BROTHER IS IN TOWN!!

It has been planned for a bit that my brother would come out to visit from Reno with his family. Yesterday he found out that he wouldn't be getting his tax return until the 11th, so they couldn't come. My mom and I were so bummed. I went to school last night and a couple hours in got a text from my brother saying that he was on his way to Sacramento! Turns out my step dad went straight from work to Reno and picked them all up! What a great surprise! I was so excited I wanted to run out of the classroom! Luckily I contained myself and was able to take notes :)!

I was so excited to see all of them, I haven't seen them since June when my niece Grace was born. Boy has she grown! This little baby weighs about 24lbs (which is right up there with how much K weighs!) and she is probably one of the happiest babies I've seen. Little bouncing bundle of joy! Tonight we will be having an early birthday party for my older niece who is turning 5. She is so excited to come to my work and play games and Lazer Tag!

School this quarter is going to be pretty crazy! I have 4 classes: Anatomy & Physiology, Medical Office Management, English (Composition and Research) and Professional Career Development. This should be an interesting 3 months! I know I can do it all, I just have to stay focused and ahead of the game. 3 of my 4 classes have workbooks which should allow me to get stuff done a little ahead if I put my mind (and time) to it.

I have been really struggling trying to figure out how to deal with my newly realized guilt issue. I have a hard time not being mad at him constantly. Being mad won't solve anything. I have to be civil for the sake of my daughter. If mommy and daddy are fighting all the time it really has a negative impact on her. I am going to talk about it further today at my appointment. Hopefully he will have some helpful tips for me. I am proud of myself though, because I was able to calmly explain to him what I am going through, and although I didn't get the response I wanted I feel good knowing I communicated.

Thank you for reading and have a good week! 

How do you heal a broken heart?

I think that having your heart broken is one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. It hurts. You feel guilt over things you could have, should have, would have done or said.

Did I do everything possible? Did I say the right things? Wasn't I good enough? Did I try hard enough?

I have been struggling with a broken heart for a long time and only realized the extent of that yesterday in my counseling appointment. Not only did I realize that, but I realized I have carried all of the blame and guilt, even if it wasn't all mine to have.

I tried for a very long time to make things work, I tried when he wasn't. I cried and yelled and calmly discussed and explained and settled. None of this was good enough to make a difference. I raised my daughter alone for at least the first six months of her life while watching him party and do what he wanted, with the hopes he would wake up one day and realize how badly he was hurting me. He didn't. Settling is just not something that I am capable of. I will ALWAYS strive to be better and be as happy as humanly possible. While I do understand that there are going to be hard times in life, I don't feel that those hard times should be so frequent that you can't even enjoy the good stuff life has to offer. I have bounced back and forth, chased my tail and wallowed for far too long, all because of guilt. NO MORE. I am taking a stand today and forever. I am no longer going to carry the guilt that is not mine. I am no longer going to consider settling to even be an option. I tried my hardest to make everything work and while I am not perfect by any means I am not fully to blame. I can work through my guilt, I will work through my guilt, but I will not hold any that is not my own. I will not allow others to bring me down to feel better about the choices that they have made. They have to deal with those on their own.

I tried to move on. It's way too soon for that. Now there is another heart tied up in this mess that already existed. The pressure of another heart is all too much to carry. The pressure of the my own heart is too heavy to carry, let alone adding more weight. If I could go back with the knowledge that it was way too soon, I never would have brought them into it. I would have stayed strictly friends and promised nothing more than that. All I can do now is be a friend and offer nothing more or less. This guy is a great guy. He has been there for me when not many people were. He has gone through hell to be there for me, and that is beyond what I could ever ask for. However I can't even allow him to get too close emotionally because I am so scared to be hurt again. I haven't healed from before, as much as I try to say that I have.

Only time will heal the way I feel and if not, then only time will make it not so raw.

Attention grabbing title!

Lately when I come to write a blog I find myself really not knowing what to write or if I even want to. I tried the whole Facebook thing again a couple weeks ago and I just don't think I like it anymore. It got on my nerves when I reactivated it, so I just deactivated it all over again. I think that I just want to start fresh. I want to be happy, and I am starting to be able to do that. I want to be totally ok with being single and I want to 100% rely on myself. That is going to take time, I know, but I am really working hard at it. I find myself getting jealous and a little aggravated when I know that certain people are lying to me. Then I have to catch myself, why does it matter? And is it really my business anyways? No. These people have a right to move on and be happy, just as much as I do. I am really making an attempt to let go and allow that process to begin, and I hope that they do too.

I didn't have the little one last night so I took a night for me and relaxed and watched a couple movies before bed. I still haven't been feeling very well, so I was trying to take it easy. I watched Despicable Me, and it is such a cute movie! I really like it. Then I watched I Love You, Man and was reminded how funny it is. I was alone in my room with my bag of popcorn (and 3 bottles of water LOL) and the movies, cracking up. It was a good night!

I still haven't passed my stone. I was hoping and thinking that it would have passed by now, since I was told that it was so close to my bladder, but I was wrong. Until then I am just trying to drink insane amounts of water and keeping my fingers crossed it passes soon.

I came across a quote today that I really liked:

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm"
-Winston Churchill  

We all have to move on no matter if we feel we triumphed or failed, so why not go on with just as much enthusiasm to begin our next journey? If we allow our failures to bring us down how can we ever expect to do more than fail? While dwelling on the past we are missing the present as it zooms past us. We have to just hop on the ride and hope that our seat belts are secure enough to keep us safe. If we fall off we have to wipe up and get back on. Such is life.

Well I am going to get off of here and try to find something productive to do before my couseling appointment this afternoon. I hope everyone is having a good week.