I think that having your heart broken is one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. It hurts. You feel guilt over things you could have, should have, would have done or said.
Did I do everything possible? Did I say the right things? Wasn't I good enough? Did I try hard enough?
I have been struggling with a broken heart for a long time and only realized the extent of that yesterday in my counseling appointment. Not only did I realize that, but I realized I have carried all of the blame and guilt, even if it wasn't all mine to have.
I tried for a very long time to make things work, I tried when he wasn't. I cried and yelled and calmly discussed and explained and settled. None of this was good enough to make a difference. I raised my daughter alone for at least the first six months of her life while watching him party and do what he wanted, with the hopes he would wake up one day and realize how badly he was hurting me. He didn't. Settling is just not something that I am capable of. I will ALWAYS strive to be better and be as happy as humanly possible. While I do understand that there are going to be hard times in life, I don't feel that those hard times should be so frequent that you can't even enjoy the good stuff life has to offer. I have bounced back and forth, chased my tail and wallowed for far too long, all because of guilt. NO MORE. I am taking a stand today and forever. I am no longer going to carry the guilt that is not mine. I am no longer going to consider settling to even be an option. I tried my hardest to make everything work and while I am not perfect by any means I am not fully to blame. I can work through my guilt, I will work through my guilt, but I will not hold any that is not my own. I will not allow others to bring me down to feel better about the choices that they have made. They have to deal with those on their own.
I tried for a very long time to make things work, I tried when he wasn't. I cried and yelled and calmly discussed and explained and settled. None of this was good enough to make a difference. I raised my daughter alone for at least the first six months of her life while watching him party and do what he wanted, with the hopes he would wake up one day and realize how badly he was hurting me. He didn't. Settling is just not something that I am capable of. I will ALWAYS strive to be better and be as happy as humanly possible. While I do understand that there are going to be hard times in life, I don't feel that those hard times should be so frequent that you can't even enjoy the good stuff life has to offer. I have bounced back and forth, chased my tail and wallowed for far too long, all because of guilt. NO MORE. I am taking a stand today and forever. I am no longer going to carry the guilt that is not mine. I am no longer going to consider settling to even be an option. I tried my hardest to make everything work and while I am not perfect by any means I am not fully to blame. I can work through my guilt, I will work through my guilt, but I will not hold any that is not my own. I will not allow others to bring me down to feel better about the choices that they have made. They have to deal with those on their own.
I tried to move on. It's way too soon for that. Now there is another heart tied up in this mess that already existed. The pressure of another heart is all too much to carry. The pressure of the my own heart is too heavy to carry, let alone adding more weight. If I could go back with the knowledge that it was way too soon, I never would have brought them into it. I would have stayed strictly friends and promised nothing more than that. All I can do now is be a friend and offer nothing more or less. This guy is a great guy. He has been there for me when not many people were. He has gone through hell to be there for me, and that is beyond what I could ever ask for. However I can't even allow him to get too close emotionally because I am so scared to be hurt again. I haven't healed from before, as much as I try to say that I have.
Only time will heal the way I feel and if not, then only time will make it not so raw.
Only time will heal the way I feel and if not, then only time will make it not so raw.
I'm glad that you had a break through with your counseling. It's hard to realize that when things go wrong, it's not strictly your fault. I hope these sessions continue to help you out
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