As crappy as my emotions have been I do have one positive thing to note. I feel like I am actively trying to make a change in my life. I really feel like I am trying to get better at feeling my feelings and not supressing them and I also feel like I am trying to recognize destructive or unhealthy patterns and break those cycles. I jever could have or would have imagined that all of this would be happening insode of me. I always felt like I had everything figured out. I never really did. It all fell to shit somewhere along the line.

Who knew trying to feel feelings would make me so uncomfortable? I literally feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It makes me cringe, having a wall up for 23 years is a hard habit to break. I hope I can figure this out and not drown in my emotions before then.

What do you do when you want to talk, but to reach out feels selfish? I don't have the answer to that so I am going to just blog instead and hope it makes me feel better. 

I am here dangling from the edge of this cliff and no one even knows. They are all walking on the sidewalk right beside me, and I could call out to them but to be honest I am not sure I want to. Letting go of the ledge would free me of so much pain. But letting go would mean causing more pain for the ones I love, so to let go makes me feel selfish too. So, I guess for now I will hang here and suffer in silence; eventually something has got to give.

I wish that I could let go of control enough to just have a freak out. Cry, scream, maybe break something. For some reason I just can't do it. 

I think I need help. Something more than the counseling, because I ??? I guess I just do. 

I'll be ok, I just needed to vent.

Susan! Thats my best friend!

Just a quick little post.

Im watching Monsters vs. Aliens and one of the main characters is named Susan. Kyleigh looks over at me and says "Susan, that's my best friend!" How cute!!

It blows me away that she can now retain information from movies, books and events. She is just growing so fast. How lucky am I that I get to be apart of this little girl's life? :)