Day off?

In the last entry I wrote about the new position at work and how I feel I have many obstacles to overcome; today is no different. This week I got two days off, well kind of. In my days off I have had to call in various orders and speak to different vendors, work on the schedule, and speak with my "assistant" (don't worry, we"ll get there) managers several times.

When weighing out the pros and cons of if I wanted to take the position I already knew that I would have to work long hours and lots of days during the season, but didn't really anticipate being so busy during this slow time of the year. I wish that I could just hold a staff meeting and say "thanks for nothing, here is your final check. Have a nice life." I know that essentially I can let everyone go because we are an "at will employer" but I also know that I have no real reason for this- yet. I have started accepting applications, which is pretty unheard of for this time of year, and plan to start calling and setting up interviews next week. There will be SO many changes that I want to have a fresh, eager, trainable, moldable staff- something I don't have now.

My daughter was asking all day today and yesterday if I would take her to my work, and I just really couldn't bring myself to step foot in there. I knew I would start working and it would distract from my precious time with her. I realized that I will have to adjust my schedule big time so that I can make the most of the time in each day. I will have to dedicate a few hours of one of my days off each week to getting my work done so that I can spend the rest of the two (hopefully) days OFF.

Well, I certainly don't feel done venting and expressing all my jumbled thoughts, but I'm off to watch my baby niece! :)

Big, exciting, stressful, beneficial, wonderful, crazy changes.

I know that the title seems a bit dramatic and much, but that is the best way I could think to sum up my life right now.

I got a promotion at work.. I am now the Kitchen MANAGER!! With that promotion came a nice raise and even better, health care for myself and my little one. How cool! The down side to this is that the previous manager (and former friend) was very close with the crew, and that makes this transition more difficult for me than it typically would be. The crew consists of mostly teenagers, or people who have been there since they were about 17, and they all called this manager "Mamaz" (that alone is an indication of SO much).

I have had several employees leave their employment with us, either voluntarily or not, due to this. At the moment I feel so stressed about all of the pressure. There is so much to be done and it feels like it all rests on my shoulders. I have peers and a GM who are all willing to help if I need it, but ultimately this all falls on me. There are safety policies and procedures that have to be developed and put into effect, as well as proper training, inventory, ordering and maintaining the equipment. Lots of this was not done well before so I have to do much of it from scratch and clean up the mess along the way, so to speak.

As I type about it I think "wow, what a fun adventure!" And I mean it wholeheartedly, and then I get to work and the "team" is there rooting against me, and I feel alone in my efforts and it gets overwhelming for a minute. I know as it goes it will get easier but it doesn't feel easy now. It feels like the title of this blog, magnified.

I recognize to see a lot of the change that I hope to see I am going to have to replace the crew. This is not an easy thing for me. That means that these people will be losing their jobs. Some of them I have known for years, and used to consider close friends. Lots happened between then and now to change that consideration but it still doesn't make this easy.

It is easy for me to say, "It's not personal." but I do take it personally. I feel like I thought I would have more support from people who were harassed and ostracized for not being in the "click" but I don't.  As I go further into this change I see how much more of a mess it is than I originally thought it was going to be. Today I found a box molded to the ground in our dry storage... That is how bad it had gotten. UGH! I feel like I should grab a coffee and go there now to work on it. I almost feel like I am going to be obsessed with this.. I want to make sure it all runs smoothly, cleanly, properly, efficiently, and turns a profit while doing so... simple, right?

I also am planning to start hunting for a place with my best friend, Danielle. She is going to be moving out for the first time ever and I am looking for somewhere that can be more permanent for Kyleigh and I. Dani has mentioned getting a 6 month lease to ensure we are happy with the situation, place etc. I would like to find a place that I could still afford on my own if she chooses to move after 6 months. I don't want to keep moving. I want to give stability to myself and most importantly, my daughter. We are planning on starting to look for a place soon with a goal move out date of the month of February.

With the thought of moving out comes the stress of my credit. It used to be so good. Last year when my hours got cut and I had to go to the ER with no insurance I acquired $8,000 in hospital bills that I could not pay and have since gone into collections. I am so worried that my credit has taken a HUGE hit, and I don't even know what to do to fix that one? I also will have about $18,000 of student loans to begin paying on in January as well as my school now saying I owe them something like $1400 and I have no idea what I "owe" them for that wasn't added to my $18,000 worth of loans.. Man, what a mess. I have tried to get into contact with the school and feel like I get no where with them, which is also why I stopped going.

Literally ALL of these thoughts spiral through my head on a daily basis, as well as whatever tasks/issues I am dealing with in the moment... It's no wonder I feel stressed.

Yesterday morning someone very close to me attempted to take their own life. This person over medicated, and thankfully realized what a huge loss the world would suffer without them in it. I feel so sad about this because this person lives far away and is not in hugging reach. If I could I would take away all the pain and hurt for them and just carry it so they could be happy. I am really feeling so torn up about this and I am not sure how to help.

How do you save someone from miles and miles away? How can we make someone see themselves through the eyes of another? I guess I just need some positive vibes sent towards the situation. Hopefully it gets better.

I need more money! (Don't we all?)

I work full time and it still just doesn't seem to be enough to make ends meet. I think I have come to a decision to take a break from school to get a second job. This just seems like something I HAVE to do.

Along with that I also started doing some research online about other ways to make some extra cash. In my research I found a website called Shutterstock.com where you can submit photos you take and the users can download them. When the users download them you get a minimum of .25, per picture, per download. Why not give it a try?

I am not sure how well this is going to go but figure since I take so many photos why not give it a shot? Browse the site and if it is something you are interested in please go through the link below to participate in the rewards program which will start you off with some money just for utilizing it!!


Submit Photos to Shutterstock and make $$$!

Enjoy!

Hormones... God awful hormones. The past year and a half has been the first time in a long time since I was off of some sort of birth control and it is hell. My emotions are on an uncontrolable roller coaster ride. I was doing research and I seriously am concerned that I may have PMDD, it is a severe form of PMS. On ths Mayo Clinic website it said if you had 2 of the symptoms of the around 12 that they listed you may have it.. I had all except one. I dont know what to do with myself, this cycle is eating away at me. I get SO low about the week or two before my period and it feels like once I start to feel totally better it is already the week or two when I start feeling low again. Chasing my tail.

Tonight was the first time in 7 years I actually felt like a loser for working where I do. A girl from HS came in and she seemed to be doing very well, and looked down her nose at me. Wow. I felt, and still feel a bit down because of that (and guess what time of the month is closing in?). I hate that I work so hard and I still struggle so much. I hate lots of things right now, and for the most part the only thing that picks me up is my baby girl. She is the best remedy to anything. Hopefully when I pick her up tomorrow it helps me feel better.

It has been so long since I posted on here last. I don't even know when the last post was?

I started my new position at work, and for a little while there I wasn't sure about it. I didn't know everything I was supposed to do and the crew really felt like they were rejecting me. But, I didn't let it get to me, and I did what I knew how to do- I worked. One thing about me is I know how to be a leader and I know how to work hard. I fell back on that and hoped they would follow along, and they did. I feel so much more confident now than I had been. The end of our season is upon us and it is going to be an interesting off season to say the least. I think that we have a really good team built now, and hopefully it will just get better from here.

I am going to be moving back in with my cousin next month with a goal of my own apartment in February. My oldest friend Danielle wants to move in with me, which would be great. I really hope that this doesn't fall through. I am going to try and move forward as though I am moving out on my own, and if it all stays good and we move together it will be an added bonus. I am very excited to be out on my own in less than 6 months. I think it has been a long time coming and it will serve as a much needed morale boost for me.

I have really been working hard, and I feel like I don't get to see my baby as much as I'd like to. Last week I worked so many closing shifts that her dad had her for like 6 nights straight. I saw her during the day and napped with her and stuff but its not the same. I know that work is a necessary evil, but I really wish that she didn't have to suffer for it. I know she loves her Daddy and doesn't mind spending the time with her and he feels likewise about her, but Mommy sure does miss her girl. When I pick her up in the morning the first thing I do is squeeze her and kiss her and it is the best thing ever. She is such a great motivator, and I am so thankful to have her in my life. She is so amazing to me.

We have been potty training her and it is going pretty well so far. There are accidents here and there but thats normal. The other morning we were all snuggled up on the recliner and she peed on my lap :( but she tries very hard to not have accidents and I love that I haven't had to change a poopy diaper in SO long!!

Well it is time to go back to class! I hope everyone has a great day!

My sister is in town this week. It is nice to see her, but my excitment turned to frustration pretty quickly. She keeps pointing out how I am "so tense" and "seem depressed" and then proceeds to act like I hate her and treat her like crap. This only adds to my already over flowing plate of shit. I am so sick of people placing me and my life under a magnifying glass and doing nothing but further burning me. I am so fed up. I wish that I could just have a couple of days where I can be me and feel how I feel (good or bad) without random comments. People, I hope, mean well when they do that but it only makes me feel worse.

I have been battling an anxiety attack almost all day long. I am not sure what is causing it or how to stop it. My chest is tight and thoughts are racing. I don't want to sit in one place for too long (which was ultra fun while trying to take a final) and I just can't seem to focus. I don't want to be home, and I don't really have another place I want to be either. I actually thought about driving to the beach tonight by myself. There isn't much I could do alone at the beach in the dark, but the thought of the waves is about the only thing that is relaxing at the moment. 

This is Nancy trying to run from things. 

I am trying to run from my feelings, my thoughts, my situation. 

I am fighting these urges. I want to face my fears.. I want to breathe and not have my chest feel like there is an elephant sitting on it. I don't want to feel guilt all the time. I don't want to judge myself. I want to be free from all of this. 

I don't have a counseling appointment scheduled yet for this week, but hopefully my counselor will call me tomorrow and we can get something scheduled. Once my health insurance is good on July 1st I think I am going to go in and talk to a doctor about getting on some antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication because I feel like I am getting worse. I  can't control my anxiety and depression as well as I could before and I feel more isolated than before too. 

I feel like I am so fucked up. I never used to feel this way about things, but it doesn't get easier or better. I used to tell myself "it will get better, it has to. It always does." So far this is not the case. It is getting worse and I am falling farther into this pit. I hate being alone and I hate that I am not strong enough to be  any where. Nothing feels ok anymore. 

As crappy as my emotions have been I do have one positive thing to note. I feel like I am actively trying to make a change in my life. I really feel like I am trying to get better at feeling my feelings and not supressing them and I also feel like I am trying to recognize destructive or unhealthy patterns and break those cycles. I jever could have or would have imagined that all of this would be happening insode of me. I always felt like I had everything figured out. I never really did. It all fell to shit somewhere along the line.

Who knew trying to feel feelings would make me so uncomfortable? I literally feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It makes me cringe, having a wall up for 23 years is a hard habit to break. I hope I can figure this out and not drown in my emotions before then.

What do you do when you want to talk, but to reach out feels selfish? I don't have the answer to that so I am going to just blog instead and hope it makes me feel better. 

I am here dangling from the edge of this cliff and no one even knows. They are all walking on the sidewalk right beside me, and I could call out to them but to be honest I am not sure I want to. Letting go of the ledge would free me of so much pain. But letting go would mean causing more pain for the ones I love, so to let go makes me feel selfish too. So, I guess for now I will hang here and suffer in silence; eventually something has got to give.

I wish that I could let go of control enough to just have a freak out. Cry, scream, maybe break something. For some reason I just can't do it. 

I think I need help. Something more than the counseling, because I ??? I guess I just do. 

I'll be ok, I just needed to vent.

Susan! Thats my best friend!

Just a quick little post.

Im watching Monsters vs. Aliens and one of the main characters is named Susan. Kyleigh looks over at me and says "Susan, that's my best friend!" How cute!!

It blows me away that she can now retain information from movies, books and events. She is just growing so fast. How lucky am I that I get to be apart of this little girl's life? :)

Dreams... Past or future?

Sometimes people come into your life and no matter what are always there, even if you are a jerk and trample on their feelings. This bond with those rare people is something undeniable, unwavering and beyond comforting. They dont have to do anything but give a look and it is all ok. The bond is something that I am not sure could be described. Sometimes it is too overwhelming and really makes us want to turn and run, but running does nothing; we always bounce back as if we were bound by a rubberband.

What makes us so scared of something so warm and homey? Something with such passion and strong feelings? Is it fear? I just dont understand. I have thought over this time amd time again. Why the back and forth inside of me? Why is it when things really started to develop I ran as fast as I could with not a word? What makes someone feel such an urge? Its almost as if I realized that this person could melt me like a stick of butter and it was all too much considering my past. I know that sounds like a poor excuse, but its the only thing that makes it make sense.

I had a dream today that I was back with this person and it felt so real. So happy and real. I didnt even care what anyone had to say. The two of us were happy and it was all we cared about. It felt so real and so free it was nice for how ever long it lasted. I really am gonna try to figure myself out on this one. Its definately a part of my puzzle I want to put together the right way, whatever that may be.

Let the good times roll! Lol.

I am trying to figure out what I am going to do with everything in my life. I am going crazy at my house, and I dont know that I will be able to save enough money for a deposit for my own place. I am wasting so much of my own money supporting and providing for people that should be providing for themselves. Then I have a guilty concious if I dont support them. I had spoken to a family member awhile back about possibly satying with them for a few months until I saved up enough money for a deposit, and now they informed me that they are fighting to keep their home from foreclosure. I just want a stable place fory daughter and it makes me sick that I feel like I cant. I was always going to do better for my kids than my mom did for me and now even a place to live is a struggle.

I really hope accepting this new position is going to be as beneficial as Im hoping and assuming it will be.

Life is a struggle right now, but I know I can do it. Just gotta keep fighting I suppose. Hope everyone has a good week!

Moving into an apartment of my own is something I want so bad right now that it has begun to be all I can think about. I am having a hard time being nice about everything with my mom and her boyfriend. Neither of them have jobs and they both continuously complain about how much food I "dont" buy or what kind etc etc etc. I do what I can with what I have and it is never good enough. I dont feel it is my responsibilty to support either of these grown adults but I am trying to help.

I have to keep Kyleigh as my main priority and that is a concept neither of them seem to understand. He has no children and she never put hers before herself or any man she was ever with. So having a child's welfare put before tgeir own is apparently beyond comprehension for them. My goal is to have enough saved for a deposit on a place by the time our lease is up. If I cant get that accomplished I might move to my grandma's until I get my tax return then use that money to move. I cant wait to get my VERY OWN place :)! I am so dang excited for that.

Just another day :)

Not all that much is going on today. The weather was super crazy and made me a little worried about business at my job-since we are a water park and all.. But it is out of my control and I realize that.

Speaking of work, I have revently been offered a new position in the company. I accepted it and I am very nervous about it. I have been there 7 years the end of this month and I have not really worked this department. I feel like I have a lot to learn, but I know I can do it and I just have to keep that in mind.

Recently when I say to Kyleigh "you better check yourself" she says "before you wreck yourself moooomm" haha so funny. Her little brain is just growing leaps and bounds and it is really cool to witness. She is getting a crazy funny personality and her ability to rationalize amazes me! I will try to muster some energy to post pics within the next few days :)

I love puzzles.

I was just reading something I wrote in a journal a couple weeks ago, and this really struck me:

"My family and friends are so amazing and I am so thankful for them. I love them. I need them and I love that they are there. I don't even have to ask, they just are. How awesome that I have the blessing of that? Some people don't know that love that I know. Some people will never know that love. I am lucky."

Even just reading it brings up the same emotions that caused me to write it, and makes me happy and thankful. I truly am blessed with a family that sticks together through thick and thin, and sometimes I forget that. We all have all kinds of crazy things going on and we all manage to reach out and lend a hand when we see someone we love struggling. I think that is really an amazing thing to have. I recognize that not many people have supportive family, or family at all for that matter, and I love that I have mine. 

Every person in my life has a piece of my puzzle. Be it a small one or a large one, they are all necessary to complete the picture. I am so thankful for each person who holds a piece to my puzzle; everyone of them has taught me something, inspired me, or just made me smile. Some know this, and some don't- either way it is special. I look forward to expanding my picture as more people are given puzzle pieces. Life is and will continue to be an interesting, sometimes difficult, but always beautiful puzzle. 

More to be thankful for...

Today I am thankful for:

1. My dedication to being happy. Even when the day is not going so well I am really trying to take it all in stride and remind myself 'this too shall pass'.
2. A supportive family who knows how to make me smile and laugh.
3. Having an ability to find busy work when I have nothing else to do.

Tut

My counselor was telling me about this website today called Tut and so I thought I'd check it out. From what I see I like it. It seems like an uplifting and positive spin off of Facebook. The above image is your default picture if you don't upload one. I love it. All I could say when I read it was Wow! I think that it is so true!

Stay Focused!

A few months ago my counselor started having me pull a card from this deck at the end of each session. I was both skeptical and intrigued at the same time. Well as it turned out I felt that each session I pulled a card it really pertained to what was going on. I liked this so much that I found myself wondering "is there an app for that!?" And as it turns out, there was! I bought this app a couple months ago, and now both myself and my family enjoy "pulling cards".

Today I was at my desk doing my online homework and decided I needed to pull a card (I'm so good at keeping on task aren't I? lol). The card I pulled was titled 'Stay Focused'. Here is the meaning:

"You drew this card as a reminder to stay focused upon your intentions, desires, and priorities. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by short-term situations, dramas, or other people's demands. Keep a positive outlook about your dreams, and imagine that they've already manifested into reality. Devote regular amounts of time toward your projects and priorities. Say no to distractions and you will see results."

It made me chuckle to myself that here I was distracting myself with these cards, and the cards are telling me to focus. Beyond the immediate and obvious connection to my homework, I really think this applies to me on a daily basis. I tend to write myself and my desires off on a daily basis to work on something someone else needs or wants from me. Even something like cleaning the house instead of doing homework. I always tell myself I will find time, instead of devoting time to this very important factor of my life. I also tend to be negative about things I think.

I have made a considerable effort to train my brain back into positivity. I think it is really working. I am not allowing the negative clouds to fog up the space in my brain, instead I am blowing them away and replacing them with positive ones. Even doing the daily list of what I am thankful is a tremendous help. I have even been getting comments from my family and friends about how happy I now seem. It's not even that I just seem happier, I actually feel happier. I think it is a process to train yourself to think a different way, but I am enjoying the challenge.

Class, class, class, class

I would like to make a mental note that next time around in school I am going to fight my hardest to stay in every class so that I don't have to re-take them. It is a little boring to be in a class hearing information for the second time. I have to wait for everyone else to catch up to where I am so that I can move forward. But, I will say that I am happy to not have such a LARGE work load because for now I can call upon the work I already have done (sweet!).

Today I am thankful for:

1. Starting to be able to recognize what is and what is not something to stress over. I have been able to identify what is not "mine" and let it roll off my shoulders and keep moving forward.
2. Laughter.
3. Gramma's yummy food and good company.

Today I am thankful for:

1. Bubbles on breezy days.
2. Three hour naps that end in sneeky jelly bean antics.
3. Being able to enjoy the last day of Kyleigh's 1 year-old-ness.
4. The past two years of watching my baby grow and learn.

As I just typed out that last piece on the list it hit me so hard that it has only beem two years since she was born. I have felt like wow time flies, but also so much has changed so drastically, its amazing its ONLY been two years!! I am very happy and excited to see what the future holds.

Happy Easter!

Today is Easter! I hope everyone is having a good day and spending lots of time with family and friends. :o)

Today I am grateful for:

1. The fact that my daughter and her father are so close. When I went to drop her off today he had eggs "hidden" (as much as is possible for a 2 year old) and had a basket waiting for her and had decorated. I almost started crying. I am so happy that the relationship with them has finally gotten to where I was scared it never would.

2. Candice. She has such a big heart and is always willing to help her family when ever she can. We played Easter Bunny together last night after she took me to my firtst bonfire, and it was a much needed fun and relaxing night. She does these really small but very sweet things that make you smile. She is amazing.

3. Country music. This morning was spent dancing to all kinds of country songs with the kiddos and it was a great time! :o)

Thats my list for now, thanks for reading! Have a safe and happy holiday!

Being THANKFUL

I know it is Easter time, not Thanksgiving, but nonetheless I am thankful. I just got done with my counseling appointment, and I have decided that each day I am going to write what I am thankful for. This list MUST contain at least 3 things, on a daily basis. I might not post the list to the blog everyday, but it will go into my phone or a journal EVERY DAY.

Today I am thankful.

1. I am thankful for my family. They have such good hearts and are always willing to lend a hand when someone needs it. I love that they love me and I love them.

2. I am thankful to have a phone that allows me to receive picture messages so I can see my daughter dying Easter eggs with her father.

3. I am thankful that my co-worker/friend left her lotion in my desk and I was able to sooth my dry knuckles.

4. I am thankful for splenda, sugar and plain cream to make coffee good in absence of vanilla creamer.

5. I am thankful that life has a value, I am thankful that I am willing and able to fight for what I have and what I want. I am thankful that I am driven and keep pushing forward and doing what I have to do to make a better future for myself and my daughter.

6. I am thankful that I am thankful. :o)

Today is a good day, and I am a strong, adaptable woman who deserves great things.

What a whirlwind of a week I have had! Things are getting tough again, but I guess it really is in the eye of the beholder, right?

My mom's boyfriend lost his job on Monday. I am not sure exactly how we are going to pull this off, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude and know that it will work out how it is supposed to. I have no control over it and all I can do is my best. I still have no clue when I will begin working full time again. I went to speak to my boss about it this morning and he had already left the building.

I got some kind of random throat thing, I am not sure if it is Tonsillitis or Strep, but it is ugly! A family member gave me some left-over penicillin and I took all of that in hopes that it will help. This morning when I checked my throat it seems to look a little better.

I decided yesterday in the middle of a stress attack that I needed to drop a class. I hadn't even attended the class yet, but with all of the other stuff I have going on I felt overwhelmed already. That is no way to begin a quarter, and I didn't want to start off on a negative note, so I am going to take the class next quarter. I also decided to push my internship back by a quarter (which pushes graduation back, too) because I am not going to try and fight and stress myself out. I am really seeing an impact on my health with all the stressing I do, and I want to make an effort to change that.

My little girl is going to be 2 in three days! I cannot believe how fast time has gone by! I think she is the most amazing thing ever! She has this amazing personality blooming more and more everyday and it blows me away! She will randomly start laughing at things that are just mundane to me, but crazy funny to her. Yesterday I was trying to pop my wrist so I was moving it all around and she thought that was the silliest thing! She was cracking up and said "you funny momma." How cute! :o) I love her.

Random

Last night I took Kyleigh to a sleep over at my cousin's house. She had 7 kids there all in the age range of 1-8. It was crazy to say the least, but it was also cute to see the dynamic between the kids. They all chased each other around the house and played. Kyleigh was the second youngest, and the older kids were so good with her. They helped her play and she cautiously followed them around watching what they were doing. She had a blast and it really made me realize what a big girl she is getting to be. In less than a month she will be a whopping 2 years old! I can't believe it!! My how time flies when you are having fun!

I got to visit with my new niece (cousin) Brooklyn two nights ago and she is the cutest little thing! She actually looks a bit like Kyleigh when she was her age. I was feeding her a bottle of milk and asking her Momma if shes pooped on her yet, and what do you know, she poops on me! I just laughed, it was like her punishment for me warning her Momma about it! Even that was cute! I am so proud of my cousin, she is doing so great as a first time Momma and her husband is amazing too. Their love is so wonderful to me, and I hope that they never take it for granted.

Tuesday marks the beginning of a new quarter at school, and it should be a crazy one. 16 units, and very soon I should be working full time again at work. Whew! Wish me lots of luck! Next quarter I am supposed to start an internship, and I am not too sure of how I will do that with working and Kyleigh. I know I have to do it, and I have to do it very well, but I also have to make money to support Kyleigh and myself. I have faith it will all work out how it is supposed to, because it always does.

That's all for now, I hope everyone is doing well.

Taking back the wheel.

I have really started to feel like my strong, independent, old-self lately. I feel like I can face the world and still be standing when I am done. I have started drawing clear boundaries in my life and I really am so proud of myself for it. I like that I feel strong enough again to be able to say "I want ..." or "I need ..." and I won't deal with anything less than what I am asking for. I am not going to allow myself to be pushed around by others anymore, and I have actually already started to put that into action rather than just saying it. I am so glad. I am doing what I want with my life regardless of what others have to say about it. I am no longer allowing people to impose their guilt or opinions onto me.

This is MY life.

 I am the one who has to deal with the repercussions of my choices, so why not make my decisions based on what I desire rather than what others think is best? Can you even begin to understand how liberating that feels to say?? I am going to do what I want! Not out of anger, or sadness, or guilt, but out of pure desire and happiness! Amazing.

It is all worth it :o)

Things have been good lately. I have been spending lots of time with my family which makes me very happy. I know that they can be a little bit crazy at times, but who isn't? Next week is the end of another quarter at school and I anticipate having two A's and a B when all is said and done. How cool is that?? I love getting good grades, it makes me feel proud.

There was no counseling appointment for me today, but I did have a nice talk with a friend last night that made me realize lots of things I hadn't before. She had a really nice way of putting things in a whole new light for me. I only have what I have experienced in life to base everything on, and she injected a little bit of her own experience into my brain, which is nice. She pointed out that going through difficult things in my life will help me be a better mom to Kyleigh. Later on in her life when she comes to me for advice I will have experience and be able to talk to her from a position of understanding rather than judgement. I say judgement because before going through the things that I have in the past few years I was so judgmental. I thought I had everything planned and figured out and I judged others who I felt didn't. Well, as it usually does, life had a different plan for me than I had for myself, and everything changed and flipped and rotated. I have been making a really big effort in my life to not judge others anymore. I want to learn from my mistakes and be humbled by life everyday and share that with her. I want her to be able to know that her mother has made mistakes and will not judge her for doing the same. I had never thought of this before because I never had that kind of relationship with my own mom, I never felt that I could go to her with my problems and be consoled. When my friend said that I am going through everything for Kyleigh it was like getting my second wind. I can do this! I can and will do anything for my daughter, and so all of the "bad" stuff suddenly is not as bad. I am so thankful to have had that conversation.

My little one has started to essentially potty train herself. She keeps going in the bathroom and going potty on her little toilet without saying a word. I don't think it hurts that once she does that everyone around gives her praise and she gets a reward of some sort. :o) I am so happy and proud. We had started to potty train her before and it seemed like it was a little too soon because she just didn't seem to be grasping what we were teaching her. After spending the two weeks at my cousins she seems to be ready now. Cameron uses the toilet and I think that inspired her to do the same. We are gonna keep this up and hopefully sooner than later we will be out of diapers! She is also letting me brush her teeth now, which used to be a huge fight. This is also something I am going to give Cameron the credit for. :o) He is really good about brushing and flossing and I think that Kyleigh saw that and decided she liked it too. :o) 

We are finally getting settled into the new place, and everyone is getting back into the swing of it all. The dog seems happier to be the only dog around in the new place and he has made a little buddy with the neighbor dog.

Hopefully things keep going in the direction they are. It only gets better.

Baby Brooklyn has arrived!

Born March 17, 2011 at 11:57am. She weighed 7lbs 13oz and was 21.5 inches long! Mommy was a champion during labor!!

Proud Poppa (And first time Kyleigh saw her baby cousin!) 

 Beautiful baby Brooklyn

 Kyleigh's first time holding a baby!

Sleeping peacefully

 Big boy Cameron

 It takes a village to teach a handsome boy to hold a baby :)

 Kisses for cousin

 Proud momma

When given the chance to make any face he wants this is the one Cam chooses :)

Another picture update :)

Here are some more pictures from life lately.

 Candice and Savannah (Michael too!)

 Cameron & Kyleigh at breakfast time :)

 Cheesin!

 Happy Girl

 Mommy's little book worm

 I just love this face!

 Jimmy gave her an Oreo!

This is the resulting cookie face! :)

Got a place

Well we got a place. I am not really too happy about the location, or even the house itself, but given the circumstances I will just have to be happy. I actually argued with my mom's boyfriend over this place, but we got it anyways. Oh well. Soon enough I will finish school and I will get my own place. Hope everyone is doing well and is safe this week.

Uh Oh.

Things have been so crazy the past few weeks. I have been trying to hold on and smile and believe it will all work out but I am getting so impatient.

The house we were renting was foreclosed on and in order to afford to move we had to participate in a program called "Cash for Keys" which paid us to move in a matter of 2 weeks. Well the one problem with this is we still have not found a house to call our own. I am staying with my cousin, and my mom and step-dad are staying in a motel. Both of these arrangements can only be temporary. I am really starting to feel quite hopeless in all of it. I had my hours cut to weekends-only at the end of this past summer; this was working before with school and the fact that I didn't have to pay rent at the old house, just pitch in for groceries and stuff. Well now it is a whole other story. I have to use my income with that of my step-dad's to try and qualifiy for a place. We don't make all that much money together with my current lack of income so this makes things even more difficult. I was holding off on a second or whole new job because of school, but the current situation has me contemplating quitting school for a little bit to get my life back in order. I can not allow my daughter to have no home to call hers. This morning we woke up and she told me she wanted to go home, and I almost broke down. We have no home.

I am so beyond frustrated with this, I am sorry to be so negative and vent so harshly. Please keep your fingers crossed we find something soon.

Got a new camera!!

I got a new camera, so I thought I would share some new pictures! :)

 My happy girl, growing like a weed.

 The roommate's dog, Blue.

 My mom's dog Cyrus.

 Just messing with the zoom and focus.

 My beautiful cousins (all 3!)

Wearing her cousin's hat!

 Get together with cousins and a couple friends

 More..

 My lovely Valentines Day present!

 Flowers my momma got from her love

 Mike and Erik

Bakin cookies with Auntie C

That is all for now, I have to go to bed. Since I have this really fun camera I will be posting lots more pictures!

What a great ending to the night.

Last night was like a roller coaster overall for me. My poor baby had her first kinda big owie. She grabbed my hot curling iron and burned the base of her left index finger. I felt horrible. Burns hurt as an adult, and we understand what happened. Being 20 months old with a burn has to be such a scary thing, she wants to run and touch everything and her poor hand keeps hurting. :( Although I had told her several times it was hot and not to touch it she obviously did not understand exactly what that meant. Everyone keeps pointing out "she won't do that again", and I understand the logic of the saying, but it was making me mad. My poor baby is in pain and that is what you have to say to me? I guess because it didn't make her feel better for them to say that I didn't want to hear it. ??

Then because I was trying to make her feel better I was late to my Anatomy class (fine by me, I would have missed for her). We had a test and this teacher only gives an alotted time frame for tests (ie: test begins 7:15 and ends 7:45) and if you are late you still only have until 7:45. I was so worried I wouldn't have enough time. Then when I rushed into class he told me the test was open book!! How cool is that?! I ended up being the second person done in the class!

After class I went out and had a much needed mommy night with a couple of good girlfriends. It was much needed, and a blast to boot! I love hanging out with each of the girls and it was the first time they had met each other and it went great! Girls nights are going to have to happen much more frequently!!

I hope everyone has a great day!

I guess they don't call em the "terrible twos" for nothin.

Wowzers! Toddlerhood is so demanding! "I do it!" "mommy sit here" "I done!" these are just a few of the demands to grace my ear drums on a daily basis. I have had to begin doing time outs, which breaks my heart. Don't get me wrong it is filled with LOTS of good stuff too, but it seems on the days we disagree, we REALLY disagree. :-/

Take today for example, we are playing and she spit on me!! I couldn't believe it! She had to be put on a time out, and she cried for the whole 60 seconds of it. Whew! I just hope my patience comes back in the next few seconds. Lol.

We did our first painting activity the other day and it was so fun!! We turned an old coffee canister into the new home for her crayons. She loved it and and asks almost daily now if we can paint. Although the canister didn't turn out how I "planned" (there we go with my over-planning haha) it is beautiful to me because she made it how she wanted to.





She wanted to paint all day! Here is the finished product:





Gotta get the day going, hope its a great one for everyone!

(sorry the pix look a little stretched funny, its from my phone lol)

I feel like it has been forever. I finally am really feeling better. Things have color again, they are getting more and more possible everyday. I feel like I can do it all, but the key is going to be not overloading myself. I tend to do that when I feel like I can do it all. I load up the responsibilities and then get crazy busy and burn out. I am not going to do that.

I feel like I need to get some of my creativity out. I am not sure how, but I will figure that out. I want to paint, or make something.. I am not sure. I used to write poems and doodle and all kinds of stuff, and I just kind of stopped somewhere along the line. I am going to try and re-capture that side of myself. I want to start really surrounding myself with positive people, people who make me happy and make me want to be better. I have been talking to a couple of my friends about getting a place soon. I want to wait until I graduate with my AAS is October, so that I can get started in a good job. I am looking forward to going and doing my taxes this Wednesday, the refund will hopefully be pretty good so that I can get some bills paid off and lessen my financial burdens. How exciting does that sound?! It sounds pretty dang amazing to me! :)

School so far is going good this quarter. I enjoy my classes and for the most part feel like I am learning new stuff. I took Anatomy in high school that felt much more in depth than the class I am currently taking so this is kind of a refresher for me (thank goodness). In my career development class we have been doing a practice job search and it is really getting me excited to get out there and find a great job! After completion of this class I will have a GREAT resume and cover letter, and hopefully a new found confidence in an interview setting.

Gosh!! I just feel so good right now. I am so happy to feel happy again!

I realized when I set out to write this today that I told my counselor that I have not been writing as of late, and that is not entirely accurate. This blog is a journal of sorts, wouldn't you say? Maybe I am not hand writing it but I am still getting all the buzz off of my brain. Letting the thoughts (however random they may sometimes be) flow from my brain and be the pollution of a paper, or in this case a blog, is a huge relief for me.

Last night I went and hung out at my cousin's house. Kyleigh and Cameron (my cousin's son) played and us Mommy's got to hang out and talk. It was probably one of the best nights I have had in a while. It was relaxing and for the most part the kids behaved really well and we all had fun. It was just us and the kiddos! We danced, sang and threw a ball back and forth and I wrestled with a 3 year old. (To my credit he was doing the wrestling as I was throwing him on the couch lol) It was so fun! Family sometimes is the best cure to anything.

I want to leave on this note for myself to look back on when I need some uhmpf:

Nancy,
Even if things are hard, they ALWAYS get better. Everything ALWAYS falls into place, maybe not how you planned it, but it is always the way it is supposed to. Let go of the plans a little and allow life to flow as it will. Enjoy the little things and take deep breaths. Smile even when you don't feel like it, that usually slips you into some degree of happiness. Look at your daughter and kiss her and tickle her and let the music of her laughs take you somewhere happy. Be thankful for what you have. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Dance. Just be patient with life. Work hard and know that it is good enough. You are a strong, adaptable woman who deserves great things. Let yourself have them.

I think that is enough for today! :) I hope everyone is feeling happy. If not, I hope my words help even if it's just a little bit. Until next time!

MY BROTHER IS IN TOWN!!

It has been planned for a bit that my brother would come out to visit from Reno with his family. Yesterday he found out that he wouldn't be getting his tax return until the 11th, so they couldn't come. My mom and I were so bummed. I went to school last night and a couple hours in got a text from my brother saying that he was on his way to Sacramento! Turns out my step dad went straight from work to Reno and picked them all up! What a great surprise! I was so excited I wanted to run out of the classroom! Luckily I contained myself and was able to take notes :)!

I was so excited to see all of them, I haven't seen them since June when my niece Grace was born. Boy has she grown! This little baby weighs about 24lbs (which is right up there with how much K weighs!) and she is probably one of the happiest babies I've seen. Little bouncing bundle of joy! Tonight we will be having an early birthday party for my older niece who is turning 5. She is so excited to come to my work and play games and Lazer Tag!

School this quarter is going to be pretty crazy! I have 4 classes: Anatomy & Physiology, Medical Office Management, English (Composition and Research) and Professional Career Development. This should be an interesting 3 months! I know I can do it all, I just have to stay focused and ahead of the game. 3 of my 4 classes have workbooks which should allow me to get stuff done a little ahead if I put my mind (and time) to it.

I have been really struggling trying to figure out how to deal with my newly realized guilt issue. I have a hard time not being mad at him constantly. Being mad won't solve anything. I have to be civil for the sake of my daughter. If mommy and daddy are fighting all the time it really has a negative impact on her. I am going to talk about it further today at my appointment. Hopefully he will have some helpful tips for me. I am proud of myself though, because I was able to calmly explain to him what I am going through, and although I didn't get the response I wanted I feel good knowing I communicated.

Thank you for reading and have a good week! 

How do you heal a broken heart?

I think that having your heart broken is one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. It hurts. You feel guilt over things you could have, should have, would have done or said.

Did I do everything possible? Did I say the right things? Wasn't I good enough? Did I try hard enough?

I have been struggling with a broken heart for a long time and only realized the extent of that yesterday in my counseling appointment. Not only did I realize that, but I realized I have carried all of the blame and guilt, even if it wasn't all mine to have.

I tried for a very long time to make things work, I tried when he wasn't. I cried and yelled and calmly discussed and explained and settled. None of this was good enough to make a difference. I raised my daughter alone for at least the first six months of her life while watching him party and do what he wanted, with the hopes he would wake up one day and realize how badly he was hurting me. He didn't. Settling is just not something that I am capable of. I will ALWAYS strive to be better and be as happy as humanly possible. While I do understand that there are going to be hard times in life, I don't feel that those hard times should be so frequent that you can't even enjoy the good stuff life has to offer. I have bounced back and forth, chased my tail and wallowed for far too long, all because of guilt. NO MORE. I am taking a stand today and forever. I am no longer going to carry the guilt that is not mine. I am no longer going to consider settling to even be an option. I tried my hardest to make everything work and while I am not perfect by any means I am not fully to blame. I can work through my guilt, I will work through my guilt, but I will not hold any that is not my own. I will not allow others to bring me down to feel better about the choices that they have made. They have to deal with those on their own.

I tried to move on. It's way too soon for that. Now there is another heart tied up in this mess that already existed. The pressure of another heart is all too much to carry. The pressure of the my own heart is too heavy to carry, let alone adding more weight. If I could go back with the knowledge that it was way too soon, I never would have brought them into it. I would have stayed strictly friends and promised nothing more than that. All I can do now is be a friend and offer nothing more or less. This guy is a great guy. He has been there for me when not many people were. He has gone through hell to be there for me, and that is beyond what I could ever ask for. However I can't even allow him to get too close emotionally because I am so scared to be hurt again. I haven't healed from before, as much as I try to say that I have.

Only time will heal the way I feel and if not, then only time will make it not so raw.

Attention grabbing title!

Lately when I come to write a blog I find myself really not knowing what to write or if I even want to. I tried the whole Facebook thing again a couple weeks ago and I just don't think I like it anymore. It got on my nerves when I reactivated it, so I just deactivated it all over again. I think that I just want to start fresh. I want to be happy, and I am starting to be able to do that. I want to be totally ok with being single and I want to 100% rely on myself. That is going to take time, I know, but I am really working hard at it. I find myself getting jealous and a little aggravated when I know that certain people are lying to me. Then I have to catch myself, why does it matter? And is it really my business anyways? No. These people have a right to move on and be happy, just as much as I do. I am really making an attempt to let go and allow that process to begin, and I hope that they do too.

I didn't have the little one last night so I took a night for me and relaxed and watched a couple movies before bed. I still haven't been feeling very well, so I was trying to take it easy. I watched Despicable Me, and it is such a cute movie! I really like it. Then I watched I Love You, Man and was reminded how funny it is. I was alone in my room with my bag of popcorn (and 3 bottles of water LOL) and the movies, cracking up. It was a good night!

I still haven't passed my stone. I was hoping and thinking that it would have passed by now, since I was told that it was so close to my bladder, but I was wrong. Until then I am just trying to drink insane amounts of water and keeping my fingers crossed it passes soon.

I came across a quote today that I really liked:

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm"
-Winston Churchill  

We all have to move on no matter if we feel we triumphed or failed, so why not go on with just as much enthusiasm to begin our next journey? If we allow our failures to bring us down how can we ever expect to do more than fail? While dwelling on the past we are missing the present as it zooms past us. We have to just hop on the ride and hope that our seat belts are secure enough to keep us safe. If we fall off we have to wipe up and get back on. Such is life.

Well I am going to get off of here and try to find something productive to do before my couseling appointment this afternoon. I hope everyone is having a good week.

Have you been drinking enough water?

I sure wasn't. I found that out the hard way too. I spent last night in the ER until 2am because I had been having Kidney pain that got to be too much yesterday. After 6 hours of tests, pain medicine (which made me so sick), and finally a CT scan I found out I have a Kidney Stone. They said that it is close to my bladder, so hopefully I will not be in pain for very much longer. 

Aside from child birth, this was the first time I have ever gone to the hospital for myself. I was a little hesitant to go, but after a few hours of my mom nagging at me about it I agreed and we went (I'm sure the intense pain was helpful too). The waiting room was so full that people were standing like vultures waiting to snag up your chair the minute your butt lifted from the cushion. It was crazy, but also good for people watching -one of my favorite past times. Anyways, things are gonna be fine, just have to keep up on my water intake! Hope you all have a great week!

My little rant

I first am going to appologize in advance. What you are about to read is totally a rant, if you don't want to hear it don't read it!

I do not understand how people think in regards to their children. Why is it so damn hard for people to put their children first and foremost?? Why would a single parent -mother or father, want to be in a relationship, or even date someone who refuses to be around their child?? If someone I was considering a serious relationship with told me they didn't want my child around they would get a big fuck you and that would be the end of it. How could someone be so selfish to act any other way? How could you make your poor child sit alone in a room all day for your own selfish motives? The person I am speaking about is (thankfully) not someone intimately involved in my own life or that of my daughter but they have a little princess a year older than my daughter. This little girl is such a sweet heart and she literally will get into trouble for leaving her room if her parents "significant other" is at her house. What is that about? I feel like this child is going to be damaged from this crap. It makes me cry for her. I wish I could save her and make everything happy and lovie for her. I try to be there for her as much as I am allowed but it doesn't feel lime its enough. She said Kyleigh and I are her best friends. How sweet is she? I wish I had an answer to make it all better for her.

I hope that her parent realizes very soon what a mistake they are making before this little girl has any long term issues from this crap.

That is all for now, I will get off of my soap box.

Another day, another dollar

I am not feeling very well right now. I have an incredible headache that doesn't seem to want to let up. To top that off I took an 800mg Motrin on an empty stomach, so I feel queasy too. I am going to eat right now, and hope that it helps me feel better.

I came to the realization yesterday that selling those bows like I had planned is probably not going to be as easy as I'd hoped. Luckily I have a friend who has kind of navigated the crazy world that is Etsy, so she has been giving me advice and even agreed to go to a craft fair with me in the future. She makes handbags and reusable grocery bags, they are pretty awesome!

Bedtime as of late has been a battle with little one. She has a certain movie she wants to watch all the time and she will lay there and actually watch it instead of going to sleep. Then she will list off all of the people she can and ask me where they are. I tell her everyone is asleep. Are they really? I don't know but she doesn't need to know that. She was on a schedule where she was asleep by 9:00, but now she will fight as long as possible. Just last night she was up until 11:45ish. :( Hopefully this phase doesn't last too long or I am going to have to tranquilize her (just kidding, not really lol).

I am going to focus on eating right now, so I will check back in later. Hope everyone has a great day!